Of Romance

Many people have not dated recently and that can intimidate them.  Here are some ideas to get you back in the saddle.

Start by Dating Yourself

Sound strange? A predictor of relationships you’ll have is the kind of relationship you have with yourself. Take time to get your feet back on the ground. Experiment and practice alone with the kind of love and appreciation you’d like to have. Light a candle for dinner, buy yourself flowers, and tell yourself how beautiful you look in the morning.

Clarify What You Want

From your previous relationships, you may have a clear picture of the characteristics, behaviors and attitudes that Don’t work for you.  Write down each negative but change it to a positive. For example, instead of self-centered or unfaithful, you may want to list caring and loyal as qualities you’d like your date to have. Put your focus on the positive qualities and use them to decide who to date or not.

Beware Rebound Relationships

Think of the first relationship after divorce as a practice run. It may be pleasant and exciting, but may not be something you want to keep. Be especially cautious if you’re the first relationship for your new partner as well.

Leave your Comfort Zone Once a Week

Take time to rebuild and even reinvent your life. That can feel scary. Expand your comfort zone. Do something each week (even better, each day) that stretches you. Enroll in the class you’ve been considering or go to a singles mixer. If you feel your fear rising, welcome it as a sign that you  are on the right track.

Keep Your Romantic History Out of Your New Relationships

If you find yourself talking too much about your previous relationship(s), or comparing your new partner to your old, stop and be honest about whether you’re really ready to date again. Sharing about past relationships as information is fine. Too much psychoanalyzing and complaining is not.  Plus, it’s a turn-off.

Ask yourself why previous relationships are consuming so much of you.  You will benefit by working through your unresolved feelings with an understanding friend, family member, therapist or even a tree rather than with a new romantic prospect.

Ways to say I love You

Early in a new relationship (and later, too) you may be uncomfortable, for one reason or another, telling someone you love them even though you feel it deeply. There are ways to say it without saying it. Those three words are meaningless unless you combine them with action:

1. Write a note
2. Give Flowers
3. Take a walk together
4. Make lunch
5. Give a massage
6. Let them win
7. Take a trip together
8. Cook together
9. Cuddle
10. Have a picnic
11. Give a gift
12. Watch the sunset
13. Share
14. Make a phone call
15. Read outloud
16. Write a love letter, poem or song
17. Tell a secret
18. Heal a wound
19. Laugh at clowning